Bubbling Under the Surface

If you’ve been following my story from the beginning you’ve seen what a roller coaster ride it can be, and never has it been more of  a thrill ride than the lest several weeks.
I get a lot of opportunities and I simply dive right in head first. I’ll be perfectly honest, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time, but if it sounds like something productive, effective, or even downright fun… I’m in!
However I’ve come to realise my own limitations. Just because I’m well intended does not mean that I should be doing something.
Last few weeks alone, I’ve spoken at the Social Media Strategies Summit on Homeless empowerment through use of social media, I’ve been getting great feedback out on the streets about my articles for Spare Change News, recently spoken out publicly regarding homelessness, interviewed by two newspapers, spoke at Occupy Boston ,and a lovely young journalist from Emerson College is doing a media piece with me. I’ve even gotten to hang out with, as well as work along side some of the people that first inspired me in my pursuit to help others to the best of my ability. C’mon, you gotta admit, not bad for a homeless guy
And do you know what this all adds up to?

NOTHING… I’m still F’d up in the head! LOL
No seriously, yesterday afternoon I’m at Occupy Boston just hanging around talking to people, and I remember seeing  like 5 drops of something fall from the sky. I looked down, and the ground looked filmy, but there was nothing above us but bright blue sky. Then in the corner of my eye I see the same thing, then I hear a woman in the crowd make a comment about it…..
Within SECONDS I started getting really dizzy, and I was convinced that there was a chemical attack. My throat started closing up on me, and I just remember trying to look around to see if anyone else was dropping, as I was blacking out.
I managed to pull myself to a quiet spot, breathe and gather myself.
Now here’s the kicker, and I know you’re going to want to laugh, so it’s ok, because this is nuts…. It was Bubbles.
There were really big bubble wands outside the tent city and it was big bubbles floating overhead and breaking, so there was nothing to see when I looked up.

I met with my guru today to tell him of this, and he brought up that it’s important to know that my PTSD is still right under the surface, and we need to step back some and refocus on it more.
He also wants to revisit the idea of SSI now.

I’m lost….. all I know is I feel great 99% of the time, I don’t need disability, especially when it wouldn’t come for like a year and in that time I’m not supposed to work.
I’m good at helping others, I’m a fairly good writer when I actually try. All I want to do is write my book, and start an organization to help others in ways that best suit me.

All I can say, is I’m tired. Tired of having this “disabling condition” over my head and interrupting my most productive period in life. Tired of busting my ass for everyone and then when I need support I get 2 people show up. I’m tired of constantly being broke because all my time is spent in therapists and the only thing that I can actually make time to do for money is write and medical research. Which all totals to about $100 a month, so in my most stressful times I can’t even afford the $4 cheap tobacco to calm myself. I’m tired of trying to help people and then watch them spend their days swallowing pills like it’s a sport.
I’m tired of even writing this article, so I’ll stop now.

Next 2 days is about ME! Just not getting caught up in anyone’s stuff while I try to work out my own shit.
No picnics, clothing/food drives, no outreach, no speaches, no marches. So if you donate this week, I’ll probably just get myself a coffee for a change and help others when I return to my “office” LOL

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